I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Randomize
