Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
You made out with two different species that night
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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