omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
