new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just gift wrapped bread.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
