there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
