I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
