Small penises have feelings too.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
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