I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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