I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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