sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
