the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
