you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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