Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
