I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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