I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
