peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
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