i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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