We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
