I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
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