Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
