..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
