There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
