The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
