guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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