Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
