I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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