i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
