just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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