remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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