true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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