I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
