Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
