I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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