ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
