do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
