phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
