I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
