last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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