im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
The beer is more important than you right now.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
