apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
