I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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