Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
