o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
