i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
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