I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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