Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
