my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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