After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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