I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
