Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
