I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
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